If you have ever paused while writing an email or texting a friend, wondering whether to write with who or with whom, you are definitely not alone. This is one of the trickiest grammar questions in the English language, causing confusion for native speakers and language learners alike. People often mix them up because modern spoken English leans heavily toward informal phrasing, while formal writing still clings to traditional rules.
In this article, you will learn the exact differences between these two phrases, when to use each one, and simple memory tricks to help you get it right every time.
With Who or With Whom Quick Answer
In everyday informal conversation, with who is commonly accepted and widely understood. However, in formal writing, professional emails, and academic contexts, with whom is grammatically correct because “whom” is the objective case used after a preposition. For example, you would ask “Who are you going with?” when chatting casually, but write “With whom are you attending the conference?” in a formal setting.
Which One Should You Use?
Choosing between these two phrases depends entirely on your context, audience, and level of formality. Modern English is evolving, and strict grammatical rules are relaxing in casual, everyday communication.
If you are talking to a close friend, sending a quick text message, or speaking in a casual setting, using with who sounds natural and will not raise any eyebrows. Most native speakers talk this way because putting “who” at the beginning of a sentence feels more conversational.
On the other hand, if you are writing a business report, drafting a formal email to a client, or taking an English proficiency exam, you must use with whom. Using the correct objective pronoun shows attention to detail, professionalism, and a strong command of grammar.
Key Takeaway: Save “with whom” for formal writing and professional communication, but feel free to use “with who” when speaking casually with friends and family.
Difference Table
| Feature | With Who | With Whom |
| Meaning | Accompanied by what person | Accompanied by what person |
| Usage | Informal speech and casual writing | Formal writing, professional context, and academic settings |
| Grammar | Technically violates traditional object pronoun rules, but accepted in daily speech | Follows strict traditional rules; uses the objective pronoun object of a preposition |
| Context | Texting, chatting, casual conversations | Business emails, job applications, essays, formal interviews |
| Frequency | Extremely high in spoken English | Lower in daily speech, high in professional writing |
| Everyday Use | “Who are you going to the party with?” | “With whom are you collaborating on this project?” |
Meaning of Word 1
The expression with who combines the preposition with and the subjective pronoun who.
In traditional grammar, a preposition like “with” requires an object pronoun. Because “who” is a subject pronoun—used when someone is performing an action—pairing it directly with a preposition makes purists cringe.
However, language habits change over time. In everyday situations, people naturally place the preposition “with” at the end of a sentence, leading straight into the word “who.” It rolls off the tongue much easier in fast-paced, spoken conversation.
Natural examples include:
- “Who are you talking with?”
- “I want to know who she is traveling with.”
Meaning of Word 2
The phrase with whom combines the preposition with with the objective pronoun whom.
“Whom” is specifically designed to function as the object of a verb or a preposition. When you ask who is receiving an action or who is associated with a preposition, “whom” is the grammatically correct choice.
This phrase is heavily utilized in formal settings because it maintains the structural integrity of traditional English grammar. Even though it can sound a bit stiff or academic in casual dialogue, it remains the gold standard for professional communication.
Examples include:
- “With whom did you share the confidential report?”
- “She is the manager with whom I discussed my promotion.”
Why Do People Confuse These Words?
The confusion between these two phrases stems from the decline of the objective pronoun “whom” in daily modern speech. Over the last several decades, native English speakers have largely dropped “whom” from casual conversations because it often sounds overly formal or outdated.
When people speak quickly, saying “with whom” requires a conscious mental pause to shift from subjective to objective pronouns. Because “who” has become a general-purpose pronoun for almost all human-referencing questions, it naturally spills over into spots where “whom” technically belongs.
Grammar Rule
The underlying grammar rule governing this choice revolves around prepositions and pronoun cases. Prepositions like to, for, with, about, and from always require objective pronouns.
| Pronoun Case | Subjective (Doer of Action) | Objective (Receiver / Object of Preposition) |
| Person | Who | Whom |
| Pronoun Mapping | He / She / They | Him / Her / Them |
A great trick to test this is the pronoun substitution method. If the answer to your question would be him, her, or them, you should use whom. If the answer would be he, she, or they, use who.
- Question: With whom are you speaking?
- Answer: I am speaking with him. (Since you use him, you must use whom).
Real-Level Examples
People
- Formal: With whom are you planning to travel this summer?
- Informal: Who are you traveling with?
Business
- Formal: Please let me know with whom you scheduled the client meeting.
- Informal: Who did you schedule the meeting with?
Common Mistakes
❌ Incorrect: With who are you sharing an office this semester?
✅ Correct: With whom are you sharing an office this semester? (In formal contexts)
Explanation: In a professional environment, the preposition “with” must be followed by the objective pronoun “whom.”
❌ Incorrect: The client whom called yesterday left a message.
✅ Correct: The client who called yesterday left a message.
Explanation: Here, the pronoun is the subject of the verb “called,” so “who” is required instead of “whom.”
Easy Memory Trick
Use the “M” Match Trick to remember the rule forever.
Notice that both whoms and words like him, here (or him, them)… wait, keep it simpler: look at the letter M.
- Whom ends in M.
- Him ends in M.
- Them ends in M.
If your answer contains an M, the question takes whom!
Mini Quiz
Question 1: Which sentence is more appropriate for a formal job application cover letter?
- A) Who am I reporting to?
- B) With whom will I be working closely?
- C) Who will I be working with?
- D) With who is the interview?
Answer: B. “With whom will I be working closely?” uses the correct objective pronoun and formal preposition placement for a professional setting.
Question 2: Apply the pronoun substitution test. If the answer is “I am going with him,” which phrase belongs in the blank? ________ are you going to the concert?
- A) With who
- B) Who with
- C) With whom
- D) Who
Answer: C. Because the answer requires the objective pronoun “him,” the correct formal choice is “With whom.”
Question 3: Which of the following sentences features an error according to strict formal grammar?
- A) With whom did you discuss the budget?
- B) Who did you go to the store with?
- C) To whom should I send this invoice?
- D) The artist with whom I collaborated is brilliant.
Answer: B. While completely natural in casual speech, strict formal grammar avoids ending a sentence with a preposition when pairing it with an improper pronoun case, though “Who did you go to the store with?” is widely accepted informally.
Question 4: Fill in the blank for a casual text message to your best friend: “________ are you eating dinner with tonight?”
- A) With whom
- B) To whom
- C) Who
- D) Whomever
Answer: C. In a casual text message, “Who are you eating dinner with tonight?” is natural, friendly, and universally accepted.
Summary Table
| Situation | Correct Choice | Example |
| Casual Texting / Chatting | Who (with preposition at the end) | “Who are you going with?” |
| Formal Business Emails | With whom | “With whom are you corresponding?” |
| Academic Essays | With whom | “The researcher with whom I collaborated…” |
| Spoken Conversation | Who | “Who did you talk to?” |
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Is saying “with who” grammatically incorrect?
In traditional formal grammar, yes. Prepositions require objective pronouns, making “whom” the correct technical choice. However, in modern linguistics and everyday speech, “with who” is completely standard and widely accepted.
Why is “whom” disappearing from English?
Language naturally simplifies over time. Because word order in English already clarifies who is doing what, native speakers find distinguishing between “who” and “whom” redundant in casual speech.
Can I always put the preposition at the end of the sentence?
In informal English, yes. Saying “Who are you speaking with?” is very common. In formal writing, however, moving the preposition to the front (“With whom are you speaking?”) is preferred.
How do I know when to use “who” instead of “whom”?
Use “who” when the pronoun is performing the action (the subject). Use “whom” when it is receiving the action or following a preposition (the object).
Is it okay to use “with who” in a college essay?
No. Professors and academic institutions still expect adherence to traditional grammar rules, so you should use “with whom” in formal academic papers.
Does Microsoft Word or Google Docs mark “with who” as an error?
Grammar checkers often flag “with who” in formal document templates or recommend changing it to “with whom” to improve the professional tone of your writing.
Are there other words like “who” and “whom”?
Yes, the same subject-object rule applies to “he/him,” “she/her,” “they/them,” and “whoever/whomever.”
Conclusion
Mastering the difference between with who and with whom comes down to recognizing your environment. While language purists insist on strict adherence to traditional case rules, modern communication values natural flow and clarity in casual interactions.
The simplest rule to live by is this: use with whom when you want to sound polished, professional, and formal, and use with who when you are relaxing, texting, or chatting with friends.
I’m Amelia Grant, an education writer who enjoys making learning simple, practical, and engaging. I write about study habits, learning techniques, academic growth, and the everyday challenges students face. My goal is to help students become more confident learners by sharing clear advice they can actually use. I believe good study strategies can make difficult subjects feel more manageable and rewarding.
Books:
- The Smart Student’s Study Guide
- Learning Better Every Day
Nathaniel Brooks